I’ve shared these “rules” in some seminars, but this is the first written version as requested by my daughter Anneliese. On the surface, they appear as a few glib admonitions and could be left standing as they are. However, each one has a more serious (and useful) depth to it that I hope becomes evident in the details. First, let’s look at the core of each one. You might notice that rules two through five are really extensions of the first one.
Rule Number One:
Show up.
Rule Number Two:
Be Dressed for the Part.
Rule Number Three:
Know the Script.
Rule Number Four:
Pay Attention Because the Script Won’t Work.
Rule Number Five:
Don’t Trip over the Props.
Now let’s look at the details. If there’s something I put in here that you don’t like, feel free to ignore it and use your own judgment to elaborate on the core idea and develop your own depth with it. Show up to what happens in yourself as you consider each one.
Rule Number One: Show Up.
Showing up means more than being physically present. It means being present to the moment in which you find yourself. Don’t burden the moment by carrying into it an attachment to your preconceptions, expectations, and assumptions about what might happen or what others might think. Note that this does not ask you to be free of all these things that we all carry all the time, but, for the moment, to set them aside and not be so attached to them that they cloud your ability to see what is in front of you. Cultivate the idea, if you can, that better solutions come out of the intelligence of the situation itself to which each individual can be a contributor.
Showing up is vitally important in business meetings and committees – in spite of the temptation to sit quietly, zone out, and plan other things while you wait for it to be over. Of course there are those who have the need to dominate or dictate or display some need beyond getting the job done but, if even one person is fully conscious, such situations can be productively dealt with.
How many moments have you missed by giving your attention elsewhere? The person, issue or situation in front of you is, at this moment, the most important thing and may be, in that moment, the only place you have agency in your life. So, as best you can, be as present as you can and, if you’re distracted anyway, don’t fret about it: just be present to the fact that you are in situation A and you still have situation B on your mind. Sometimes, they might be related.
Being present also means being aware of what is happening inside of you – present to your own inner landscape within the context of the situation around you. Thus, being present is not a narrowly focused always-present-centered state that we might expect of a sage, saint or imbecile. What’s more, being present to implications and potential outcomes can save a lot of later complications. Being present also does not mean carrying with you a template of how to be present. That would become one more burden between you and your present-centered awareness. Just show up as best you can.
Rule Number Two: Be Dressed for The Part.
Yes, “being dressed for the part” could mean wearing the attire appropriate for your role at the moment. No one expects a lifeguard to dress like a banker, or a construction worker like a nurse, or a custodian like a battle-ready soldier, or a teacher like a lingerie model, or a therapist like a scuba diver. You get my drift. Certain roles and tasks require specific clothing and tools, either by virtue of social norms, tools needed for the task, or for safety. Step too far out of these expectations and you will be seen as less qualified and will likely be less efficient.
Being dressed for the part also means having the credentials and skills needed to perform the task at hand. You just can’t walk into situations naked and ignorant and expect to get a job done. (If you know of such jobs, I’d like to hear about them. I’ve known a number of people who show up for meetings – including managers – who are clueless, but they’ve never come naked.)
Rule Number Three: Know the Script.
Almost any task, encounter or meeting has its process, agenda, or script of interaction. Meetings have their explicit announced agendas, along with all of the hidden ones that invariably show up. Everyday interactions have their cultural and regional expectations (much to the chagrin of some people who can’t stand the small talk). Even informal social situations have their language with meanings beyond what is explicitly said. Going a little out of the script can make you interesting but, too far, and you will appear clueless, if not annoying. In some environments roles and scripts are highly regimented such as military service or in emergency medical response, while others are relatively fluid as in nightclubs or informal social engagements – but it’s hard to think of a situation that is totally free of expectations and scripts unless one is in some totally solitary situation.
People who assiduously follow scripts may be seen as conventional, obsequious, or dignified and respectful to some tradition. Thus, “knowing the script” is not an admonition to necessarily follow the script or to slavishly carry out expectations. I’m suggesting that we do well to be aware of the roles and scripts facing us (sometimes called the “hidden curriculum” in educational circles). An awareness of them gives you choice as to which ones and to what degree you might decide to conform or deviate. If you’re not aware, you don’t have that choice.
Rule Number Four: Pay Attention Because the Script Won’t Work.
This is a corollary to the first and third admonitions. Paying attention to the script and where it might fail or be improved is another way of showing up. The nature of the situation can shift quickly and require a change in script, or what appears to be called for is not really what is needed. In addition, someone else may hijack the usual agenda and, if you’re stuck on the original script, your response will not be aligned with the change in direction. Again, awareness gives choice.
Rule Number Five: Don’t Trip Over the Props.
We all use props as we act out our lives to help us express who we are and, if lucky, get what we need. For example, we need shelter, vehicles in which to travel, clothes to wear, kitchen utensils, electronic media, sources of music, relationships, and tools for our occupation and hobbies, to name a few. We can become so attached to such things that they begin to clutter our lives, their maintenance can become burdensome and thereby the return on our investment of time and money in them diminishes. In short, it behooves us to be careful that we don’t allow the things we believe are essential to become stumbling blocks to our capacity to be present in the world and enjoy our lives and each other.
Really, ownership of anything is somewhat of an illusion. We have arranged to be able to use various things, but none are permanent, and any can be lost in a moment. The only thing we truly have that we can give are our time and our lives.
One Rule to Rule Them All
It may be obvious at this point what I said earlier: the subsequent admonitions are but facets of the first.
As I review these admonitions, it reminds me of Carl Jung’s advice to therapists to the effect that they should learn their craft thoroughly and then, upon entering the consultation room, to forget everything they know so they can pay attention to the person in front of them, what’s going on inside of themselves, and what is transpiring between them.
I’ll close here with the words of the late poet John O’Donohue who put all this more succinctly and eloquently when he said simply, “Presence is the most sacred thing there is.”